How NOT to Save Sonic: Sonic Fizzle

You know I often mention that the internet’s plethora of “How to Save Sonic” articles are all FUCKING RETARDED and our good friend Racewing found us yet another massive failure so hey! How about we take this one apart in a very special Your Review Sucks!

Today’s article is called “Sonic Fizzle”, reprinted from some guy’s blog and written post-Unleashed. Let’s take a look:

“If there is one thing most old school gamers can agree and lament on, is the slow and painful death of Sonic the Hedgehog.”
Well he’s got THAT right. Though it’s highly arguably how “dead” Sonic really is, alot of old skool gamers do love to lament on it.

“Ever since the fated jump to 3d we’ve seen the series go down hill; with already negative reviews of Sonic’s latest game the trend is continuing.”
This line is important. ALOT of the post-Unleashed “How To Save Sonic” articles are written by people who NEVER PLAYED UNLEASHED! They just ASSUME it’s more of the same based on reviews that often fail to differentiate Unleashed from the rest. Unleashed was different and was one of the biggest steps in the right direction “3D” Sonic ever saw. It annoys me that NO ONE seems to recognize this fact.

“Let’s begin by going back to the early 90s, before the time of memory cards, 3d and Xbox live, a time where the console war was being played out on two fronts, Nintendo and Sega. Sonic beat Mario to be the first character on an updated platform with the Sega Genesis, however Nintendo would release something that would win the war in my opinion and seal the Hedgehog’s fate. Super Mario World was released and became a system seller for the Snes if there ever was one, also it was in my opinion one of the greatest 2d platformers ever made.”
WRONG!!! Super Mario World predates Sonic the Hedgehog by a couple months. Normally I’d ignore this fact as it’s such a minor thing but he does dwell on it as you can see here:

“I believe this is where the war turned for Nintendo and sealed Mario’s place as the winner.”
However, further research reveals that Super Mario World WAS released later in Europe…by a full YEAR even! This could explain this odd stance. Wow. Europe was damn bizzarro world (or alternately, SEGA of Europe fails less than Nintendo of Europe, hence the Genesis’s dominance there). But let’s move on…

“While Sonic was technically more advanced then Mario we never saw the series advance game play wise as Mario did from the NES titles to the SNES.”
And we never saw the MARIO series progress much after that either! Yoshi’s Island was FUCKING FANTASTIC but…it was kind of a spin-off and the move to 3D was weird. And really, Mario World was NOT that big of a step up from Mario 3.

“3D was a major factor in the games industry and required most franchises to change to keep up with the times. Mario with its slower game play style was easily adapted to the new format with Super Mario 64, but it wasn’t so easy for Sonic.”
Yes and no. Mario, being the father of scrolling platformers, just needed to be a platformer in 3D to be a 3D Mario. Sonic was more distinct. When you get down to it though, there’s a pretty massive difference between Mario 64 and any previous Mario though. It took them 3 tries across 3 CONSOLE GENERATIONS to finally get it right. It’s the kind of thing alot of us don’t think about.

“After the adventure series wrapped up, came one debacle after another for the franchise. There was that Sonic teams game which was just stupid in my opinion, taking one character and weakening him down requiring two others to have one complete character.”
Yes because Sonic could totally fly.

“Then there was Shadow the Hedgehog which tried to make Sonic extreme”
I’ve said it a million times before: YOU CANNOT *MAKE* SONIC EXTREME, SONIC *IS* EXTREME! Sonic fucking INVENTED Extreme! He owns the patent on Extreme! He was Extreme before there WAS an Extreme (see also: Way Past Cool)! They were even developing a GAME called Sonic X-Treme! You know why? BECAUSE SONIC *IS* MOTHERFUCKING EXTREME!

“because nothing screams Sonic the Hedgehog more then dual wielding Uzis”
Yes because it was totally Sonic using those guns and not the TITLE CHARACTER: SHADOW THE HEDGEHOG! MY GOD that always pisses me off! Seriously the number of people who forget that Shadow is NOT SONIC and that the entire POINT of all the weird shit they pulled in Shadow the Hedgehog was to DIFFERENTIATE HIM from Sonic just drives me crazy!

“The two main problems with 3d Sonic titles these days are the camera and the game play. With the camera, there is no way for a traditional 3d camera to keep up with Sonic’s speed. This has lead to numerous deaths from the camera, mostly with jumping. When jumping is the weakest part of a platformer you know there is a problem.”
This is true though hardly exclusive to Sonic. Keep this in mind.

“Game play however is the big concern; to be frank the classic Sonic game play isn’t enough for a full 3d retail game.”
…you know how I always say that the reason SEGA keeps shoehorning in all these other playstyles was because game journalists are retards? Yeah.

“I don’t know if you ever read the comics or watched the cartoon series like I had, but after going through the cheesy world of the games, the creators decided to mix things up. The series rebooted into a dark world where Sonic was a part of a resistance group fighting Dr. Robotnik (I will never call him Egg Man, just like Princess Toadstool).”

“This leads me to my grand plan, a complete reboot of Sonic the Hedgehog, or in other words “Sonic Begins” cue ominous music.”
Oh lord. BRACE yourselves. Because here it comes…

“I can picture an open world game before Sonic gets his blue coat. Where Robotnik has won and the world is ruined, showing the steps of Sonic turning blue and joining the resistance. Similar to Crackdown with jumping becoming the main attraction, Sonic’s speed would be here. As the game goes on Sonic becomes faster allowing him to run up walls, over water and just about anywhere. Sonic will be able to use vehicles along with his trademark spin attack, blasphemy I know as he attempts to take back the world. I can also picture huge boss fights with the variety seen in the classic Sonic titles as Robotnik uses his robotic generals to stop you. No more plot devices of the power of friendship and rainbows will save everyone; this is a fight for survival.”
So…the way to “Save Sonic” is to make it into a dark and gritty GTA clone, but Shadow the Hedgehog sucks. Right.

There’s multiple problems with this and I’m NOT talking about vehicles (I have no problem with Sonic using vehicles).

Who can remember what the problem with a 3D Sonic was? That’s right! The very nature of a 3D camera! He even admitted this! What does he NOT address? Exactly.

That’s not even getting into how Open World+Platforming+Sonic’s Speed=Death. When you’re going at the kinds of speed Sonic does, you need SOME kind of rails to keep him under control or you go flying off uncontrollably down a pit you never saw because it was off-screen. Simply being 2D is one form of “rails” for Sonic and if you wanna talk open world 2D Sonic, we can do that. Hub worlds are also okay like in Sonic Adventure. But a full blown 3D open world platformer? This causes problems for Sonic and his speed and that’s BEFORE getting into how at the time of this writing there is only ONE good open world platformer (the original Jak & Daxter). Reflect on this.

And that’s BEFORE getting into his whole “The 3D Sonics failed to capture the original gameplay of Sonic”. How EXACTLY does an open world adventure capture the feeling of Sonic anyway?

To be blunt this idea is retarded and not well thought out. It’s just a brainfart. “Hey! Wouldn’t it be cool to have a Sonic game JUST LIKE THE CARTOON with like…an OPEN WORLD! :D”. Why yes. Yes it would. Too bad it wouldn’t work. You need to think these things through more otherwise you end up with a Werehog.

Seriously I am never letting that go. As much as I don’t mind the Werehog, it’s the perfect symbol of the fandom’s own stupidity backfiring. Hard.

“My plan is high risk and treads that fine line between a clever reboot bringing back the old fans and making new ones and destroying everything the fans held dear to the franchise. However at this point, I think a huge risk like this is needed for the franchise.”
You give yourself too damn much credit dude. XD

Explore posts in the same categories: Your Review Sucks!

2 Comments on “How NOT to Save Sonic: Sonic Fizzle”

  1. Ophelia Says:

    Someone who refuses to call Peach as anything but “Princess Toadstool” is someone whose eyes are on the wrong side of their head.

  2. BlueBlur62391 Says:

    And two months later, we recieved a more mature article based on Sonic–the tale behind his fanbase.

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