Your Review Sucks: Chocobo Tales (1UP, EGM)

1UP’s Chocobo Tales review isn’t as bad as some, but it has many errors and shows the beginning of a horrifying trend: Non-care-ilarity (fuck real words!). The GBA quickly suffered from this syndrome with many people commenting on GBA games “not counting” saying that they “don’t really exist” both in game canon and to the community at large.

Notice the number of whiney Sonic fans who completely ignore the existance of Sonic Advance 2. Point proven.

The GBA was home to many great games, many of which were overlooked by most gamers. This is something that forever saddens me. The DS looked to kick this trend with many people taking it more seriously (which sometimes annoyed me, but was generally for the better), but this short and half-assed Chocobo Tales review shows that we may be heading down that same dreary path of destruction in the near future.

Enough prologue! Time for sucky review!
http://www.1up.com/do/reviewPage?cId=3158572

If you liked Rocket Slime, you’ll love Chocobo Tales! Well, no, not really. Though the two games are somewhat similar — RPG mascots in starring roles with adorable art styles — their goals and subsequent results are rather far apart. Where Rocket Slime’s an action game made for Dragon Quest fans of all ages, Chocobo Tales is an adventure aimed straight for the “Nick Jr.” set rather than the Final Fantasy fan. That’s fine if you can stomach it, but dealing with the rest of the game may be the bigger problem.

Already we’re off to a bad start as they compare Chocobo Tales to Rocket Slime. Though they don’t dwell on this heavily and thus I don’t hold it against them, it seems to set a tone that the reviewer may have been expecting too much out of the game. It also hits a sour note with me as while I love Rocket Slime, it’s a GBA game half assedly slapped onto DS (seriously. Download the Slime Mori-Mori ROM) while Chocobo Tales is one of the best examples of a DS game, fully utilizing both the DS’s graphical capabilities AND it’s touch screen!

It’s also worth commenting that Chocobo Tales has much better (and ironically more mature) writing than Rocket Slime. Neither game is bought for their plots, obviously, but it’s worth noting as 1UP seems to play the kiddie game card a bit early.

You play as a chocobo who, along with his mage and moogle friends, must rescue a bunch of other chocobos, big and small, from the dark power of Bebuzzu, who’s trapped the chocobos inside numerous picture books. Once you rescue enough friends, you go on to fight the big bad guys who are choking the land with their evil power — certainly not your usual, convoluted FF story.

Quoted for irony as, really, the plot *IS* the usual FF story seen in 1,3, and 5!

Once you finally make your way through the worlds and up to the area’s boss monster, it’s time to enter the “Pop-Up Duels”: card-based battles that take place inside the cursed books. Battles play out in turns, and you slide one of two drawn cards up to the top screen and hope they deal enough damage to the boss to knock it out without losing all of your hit points in the process.

Two problems here:
#1) The battles do NOT take place inside the books.
#2) You have a hand of THREE cards, not two.

Chocobo Tales’ main flaw doesn’t even seem like one at first: Its parts are largely equal, which only leads to confusion. What becomes most important: building card decks, or mastering the minigames? Or, in the big picture, do you buy this game to play minigames or go on a chocobo adventure? There are simply too many things vying for your attention, and more than likely, none of them will get much of it.

…and you see, THAT’s the comment that got me raising an eyebrow. Yes, infact, both mini-games AND card battles are equal parts to this game as is the small adventure you go on. I don’t see how there’s any issue or confusion here.

See, this review doesn’t actually suck, it just…the reviewer clearly didn’t give a shit. It’s a very short review with quite afew factual errors. On top of that, the 6/10 rating isn’t really justified. The reviewer doesn’t really list any flaws with the game and simultaneously fails to acknowledge it’s many strong points. It’s the best looking game on DS! How do you ignore that fact!? It’s GORGEOUS! AND the music is EXCELLENT! All the “reviewer” did was describe the gameplay vaguely and poorly. It reeks of non-care-ilarity (what the FUCK is the word I’m looking for here! It totally escapes my brain!).

On another note, 1UP’s retarded sister, EGM gets at least a nod to their stupidity:
But here, the stop-and-go progression between books and battles presents an identity crisis: Is this an RPG or another DS “minigame”? Either way, it didn’t keep my attention long. [May 2007, p.86]

“What is this thing anyway? Whatever. I don’t care. 6/10.” Seriously guys. Come on.

Neither reviewer flat out “fails” or deserves a “You’re FIRED!” like some people, but they need to give all games a chance. This guys sounds like he barely made it to the first card battle!

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